KEVIN STEWART-PANKO!

I just got my hands on the new issue of Decibel Magazine, (I actually bought that fucking thing) who were nice enough review our new EP. In honor of the content of that review, I bring to you a post dedicated to a fine comrade, a real ass amongst asses, one named Kevin Stewart-Panko.

Kevin Stewart-Panko has been handing out reviews, criticizing peoples efforts, and work for some time now. In fact, I will say that Kevin Stewart-Panko (we’ll call him KSP from here on out) is someone who knows a lot more about music, and particularly metal, than he should. If you have ever seen him in person, (lets be real here everyone, most people who review records really don’t go to shows under the guise of “Man, I have SO MUCH WORK TO DO.” I mean what really does a writer for a metal magazine do? Kick back with a pair of Cannibal Corpse sweat pants, crack open their laptop, and sift through a thesaurus looking for new clever words that most people who read metal magazines don’t even know how to pronounce? Also, I once owned a pair of Incantation “Onward To Golgotha” sweat pants. But, anyway…) KSP will look like the actor Giancarlo Esposito in a few years:
KSP in about 25 years, hopefully just as rich and famous!
I have to say, I’ve had the pleasure of meeting KSP a few times. Always cheerful, always smiling. I could be making this up but I think once I made him buy me a vegan soy burger at Harvey’s or whatever the fuck it’s called in Canada. KSP has been writing about myself, and various projects and bands I have been involved in for some time. I’m pretty sure he even saw a band of mine suck like we have never sucked before at a show in some odd ball town in Canada. Again, I could be lying.

KSP’s got a firm hand shake. If it was watery and clammy, I probably wouldn’t be taking the time out of my night (A seriously intense Friday night in Philadelphia. I just got done working at a show for an artist known as Matt Pond PA. I know KSP likes to read this site to see what I’m up to on a daily basis so I figured I’d just fill you in.) A little known fact about KSP is that he is actually very smart. He’s got a PHD. Maybe? I don’t know? I could be making this up as well. He liked me better when I would lie all the time, or stretch the truth to make things funny. Funny like that time a band of mine spent $7,000 of Escape Artist Records money, only to have it garnish RAVE reviews, ones KSP didn’t write. He always seems to be jumping on the bandwagons. Like, did you ever hear him gush over Job For A Cowboy? Jesus. The guy practically wants to be “IN” the band. I guess he thinks that with my age, I’ve become very serious now. Obviously, it’s painfully true.

When it’s all said and done, KSP’s name, and words have really been brought forward to the public eye due to the U.K. magazine Terrorizer. I mean, of course right? Who else! The English…when in the hell will they ever learn. What is wrong with those people? First they try to take over the world, get their asses handed to them by a bunch of farmers in 1776, then they give us the Spice Girls, and now they ruined half the oceanic life in the Gulf. Who do they think they are? France?

Regardless KSP seems to align himself with very smart people, highbrow even, people of the upper echelon of the journalistic society. People like J. Bennett. What a perfect fit! I could only imagine the intense “Words With Friends” games they have going on, on their iPhones. What a hoot! The adjectives in those games are prosperous to say the least!

All in all, KSP is a solid individual. He strokes my ego, and everyone knows I love to see my own name in print. My grandmother gets really excited when she sees that. Now if only I could say any of this about Albert Mudrian…

KEVIN STEWART-PANKO!
Your pal,
Jamie!

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6 Responses to “KEVIN STEWART-PANKO!”

  1. nah, that giancarlo dude has a way sturdier hairline now than mine was when i was 18. that dude must have all kinds of soccer moms throwing their mom jeans his way…

  2. Gods And Queens Says:

    haha, man, i could not haver asked for a better come back to this. it took me some time to find a picture of that dude…

  3. Gods And Queens Says:

    sadly kevin, all you get is terrible demo’s and black t-shirts thrown to you.

  4. Jamie – wow, sorry to call you out, but when I mentioned to Kev that you were staying at my house he actually warned me to have a can of pepper spray by my bed. He thinks you’re an absolute tool and was actually disgusted that I talked to you. Like, almost threatened to quit Terrorizer if I let you stay in my house for even five minutes. That’s how much he despises you. You make him sick.

  5. nah, i told getz to bring you 12 yellow roses as a thank you gift. the only thing that makes me sick is that G&Q don’t ever come to canada…

  6. Gods And Queens Says:

    sadly he should know that we stayed there for almost a full 24 hours. also how would people feel about the editor in chief of the UK’s biggest metal magazine sitting around on a sunday watching Eastenders with her girl pals in silence and suspense.

    watain would not approve about this…neither would KSP!

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